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  • Writer's picturefionaainamurphy

What has been going on with me

It's interesting how things happen that we don't think are connected yet completely are. About two years ago I was in a car accident, it was bad. Even wearing my seatbelt I wasn't in the best condition. It sucked because I didn't have insurance was in a lot of pain but was afraid to go the ER to get checked out. Finally was persuaded to go by stepmom. I went and got a CT done, they found I bruised by lungs but that was about it. While I was in pain waiting for a ride I got a phone call from a company for a job interview. Because I was in so much pain I ended up forgetting the job interview.

On March 7 out of nowhere I had the most insane pain come out of nowhere. It was awful, my entire back was screaming, there wasn't just one area worse than the other. I go into the ER a CT is done. I'm finally given pain relief FOUR HOURS in, and FIVE hours in I see a doctor who tells me I have a kidney stone, a very large kidney stone. But there's something else the doctor has to talk about. I'm at the same ER I went to two years ago. Apparently the CT done two years ago found there were a couple of masses on my liver. This CT found two of the masses had doubled in size from two years ago. The doctor is concerned and advises I follow up on them ASAP. Like now, right now. Not gonna lie the look on her face scared the shit out of me.

However, I can really only deal with one thing at a time. So I went home, took a ton of drugs and focused on the kidney stone.

Within a day or two I went back to thinking about the follow up on the masses. The problem is I hated my regular doctor, like HATED him. Every time I left his office all I could think about was how much I needed to get another doctor. I read the notes on the CT and I remembered the look on the ER doctor's face and just knew I couldn't go through whatever it is I'm going to have to go through with my current doctor. So I made an appointment with a new doctor at the end of March and then the world blew up.

The thing is I have anxiety and even before the March 7 ER visit I had already decided to stay home and not go out. I'd been watching the news on what was happening in Italy and been freaked out. It was already messing with my anxiety, how soon until it came to America, after all the damage in Italy what would it do here? So that anxiety combined with my new health scare where I couldn't see a new doctor until March 31st my anxiety and depression came crashing down on me. I was basically worthless, sleeping too long, uninterested in anything, crying jags for literally no reason.

I went to the new doctor on the 31st. She talked me into going back on lexapro and taking busporine every day. It's helped. What didn't help was she mentioned the masses now apparently of the two masses one of them is basically a cyst nothing to worry about, more of a keep an eye on it and if it gets too big then do something. The other is something to worry about, it's a cause for concern but we won't know more until I have an MRI. The MRI is scheduled for the the 9th of this month.

I'm not going to lie. i'm scared. I don't know what it is or how bad it will be. Is it something they can just cut out and I can go on my way? Is it cancer do I have to worry about chemo?

What is it, where did it come from? A whole lot of questions none of them will get answered immediately so it leaves me with my anxiety to come up with the worst possible scenarios.

As I admitted I was concerned to my stepmom she mentioned how it seems like a bad thing, the whole car accident but if I hadn't had it then they would have never known about the masses to begin with and seen how big they got in two years. I also remembered the forgotten job. I would have gotten that job and I woud have still been there, quietly miserable, not losing/quitting my job and having to go all in on writing and having the success I have had.

I'm doing my best to focus on the positive, some days I manage to do it. My characters are still talking to me, still desperate for their stories and I open my word docs and I read them and I'm hoping I can get back to writing. I can't say when I don't know when but I'm trying, I promise.

I just wanted to let you know and that whole vague thing people do always annoys the hell out of me. I want to write, I feel better when I write I just wanted you to know why I haven't been. I'll keep you updated when I know more I'll post about it.

Thanks for your patience and your support.

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