I have cancer

I get now why it's called the C word. It's big and it's scary and it's overwhelming. There have been CT scans, there has been an MRI, there has been the most painful experience of my life-a biopsy. Then there was a portal vein embolization where they shut down a major vein to the right lobe of my liver so that it will encourage the growth of my left lobe because they are going to remove the right lobe of my liver as it's riddled with tumors. There is a major one at 6cm by 6cm and several-around five or six smaller tumors in the right lobe of my liver. I had a endoscopic procedure and colonoscopy done on the same day, so much fun.

Thankfully, no further tumors have been found. There is the hope that once the right lobe of my liver is removed I recover and that's it the end. I can hope. July 10th that's the magic date, my surgery date. I'll be in the hospital for about a week to make sure my liver doesn't fail and everything went well.

My surgeon mentioned chemo after. I don't want chemo it's just as scary of a word as cancer. I don't want to lose my hair and become weak. I'm dropping weight rapidly about 3 pounds a week, at this rate come the time of the surgery I won't be plus sized anymore. I've been reading up and weight drops even more so after the surgery so I might actually be skinny. I'm not looking forward to it. Many times over the past few weeks I wake up and wonder if it was all a really fucked up dream then I sit down at my desk and there are notes for doctor and procedure appointments on my calandar, there are bills staring me in the face and I know it's not.

Writing hasn't been something I can do. I want to miss it. I haven't even been reading. I don't know. There is a part of me terrified I won't make it through all of it and I won't be able to see it finished and published and so why bother. That fear just overwhelms me and I can't write no matter how badly I want to.

I had to call a lawyer and do the whole estate planning thing. It's really something I should have done long ago. I could have caught Corona-could still catch Corona-I could have been in a car accident and nothing was set up. But still doing it because you have been diagnosed with cancer sucks so fucking hard. I didn't have the money to pay for it, I had to put half on my credit cards that I'm not supposed to be using, and the rest will be due at the end of the month and I'm wondering how I'm going to pay for it and still pay for all the other bills I have due my cell phone, my insurance, my rent, and it all makes me want to climb into bed and pull the covers over my head. I get why the guy isn't willing to do a payment plan though.

It's so fucking bizarre to deal with your mortality, preparing and being aware you could die while trying to be optimistic and have hope everything is going to be okay. Then there is the fact that no one is guaranteed a day beyond this one so yeah, no duh you could die from this, you could falling down the stairs or crossing the street. But seeing it coming at you feels so very different.

So yeah, I have cancer and I'm not writing. and I just wanted to let you know.