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I don't need chemo!!!

I am so happy and relieved to report that I do not need chemo. It wasn't easy to keep it together when my doctor told me but the fact that he has three people around him at all times (he's kind of a big deal apparently) made it a little easier. But once I got into my car I sat there for a solid five minutes and cried like baby.


Recovery hasn't been easy, the pain was pretty damn intense. So the right lobe of the liver isn't little, it's pretty damn big. In order to remove it they gave me basically a caesarean and that incision still hasn't healed and still hurts like a motherfucker, the surgery was on the 10th y'all. I was given oxy which scared the hell out of me. Then I realized pretty quickly why it's so addictive, the pills are tiny and they make all the pain go away and you get to float for a little while. Until the pain comes back and you have these awesome little things that can make it all go away-it didn't make me high but the pain was so bad that when it was gone, it was fucking amazing. Anyway, I didn't get addicted and they didn't give me nearly enough. But as badly as I wanted to ask for more I let it go and didn't. They got me through the first three days home out of the hospital, I was in the hospital for five days and only two days after I got out I was in the emergency room with a kidney infection and nasty ass incision, I was given more antibiotics and pain pills and sent home. Honestly it wasn't until almost second week of August that I felt better. I was back in the emergency room on the 27th of July because of the c-section cut hurting like hell and leaking all kinds of crap again. I was given another round of antiobiotics and this time better pain pills and that round of antibiotics really helped.


I lost 22 pounds in less than two weeks and haven't gained it back. For a while there I just didn't feel like eating, then it was too hard, standing or even sitting up put pressure on all my incisions that made food and sitting up not worth it. I ate to take pain pills without really caring what I ate, I went through a lot of yogurt and peanut butter half sandwiches. I have lost so much weight it hurts to sit down now, very odd but trying to figure it out.


During all of this my dad had a check on a lump on lymph node and he has cancer. Then my dog sneeezed blood, he has bone cancer. So July was awesome. My dad will have chemo and radiation and all they can do is abate it, there will be no cure. For my dog, he's already older and we'll make him comfortable, giving him all the walks and belly rubs he wants.


Before I was told whether I needed chemo or not it was all I could focus on because it was the last step (more or less I have a follow up in a month and there will more in the future like six months checks to make sure nothing comes back.) but I was thinking once I know then it can be done and I can go back to normal. But there is no going back. When something like this happens everything changes. Cancer is something everyone fears, we are so sure how we will handle it if it happens, we're pretty sure how others around us will too or we hope we know. Then when it happens and nothing goes the way you think it will, there's no real coming back from that. The family support, not there, the support from the writer community no where what I hoped it would be-it went ignored by 99% of the people I know and have helped and supported in the six years of my career. Not going to lie that shit can leave you feeling bitter. The one thing that surprised, happily so was how much support I received from readers and that meant pretty much everythin. It was got me through so many days when I didn't get the calls or even texts from family, when I was laying in bed freaking out over not being able to write and how little money I had and wondering what the hell I was going to do I would get emails, messages from readers and it helped me take a deep breath.


So I want to thank my readers for helping me get through this. I'm going to try and pay you back my writing a new story. I've gone three days in a row which is something I haven't done in a long time. As soon as an end is in sight I will let you know.




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